“The Good He Seeks”

The world is obsessed with happiness.

If you’re anything other than happy, you’re wrong.

This idiotic attitude is how you end up with ignorant quotes like this one.

Not every villain is interested in happiness.

Sometimes the thing that’s blackened us is that we’ve given up.

Given up on ever being happy for more than a teasing half-moment at a time. Given up on having an emotional default setting that’s anything more pleasant than “irritated”, “frustrated”, or “sad”. Given up on being good, because the higher we aim, the farther we sink into misery, misery, misery.

Tell me, repulsive mortals: Have you ever tried to speak to a friend about how very, very bad you feel? Tried to force into words the wordless agony that is your day to day life? Tried to articulate why you’re hurting, because these people always want a reason, as if there is any rhyme or reason to this curse we call “feelings”?

How long before they try to fix you?

How long before their sympathy ebbs as they realize their words and deeds of so-called comfort don’t have their intended effect?

How long before they blame you for not just being fine, already?

Screw them. Screw them all. You know why they do this? Because the fact is, they know.

They know that happiness is a delicate thing, so easily damaged by any little breath of an ill wind. If they care about you (a grave danger, caring), it means your fates are bound — their feelings tied to yours. They cannot be perfectly happy while you are miserable, and so they try (selfish creatures!) to lift you up to their level so you don’t drag them down to yours.

They cannot accept that you are simply unhappy. Cannot accept that, for now or forever, unhappy is just what you are.

Happily for us villains, we don’t need their acceptance. We have moved beyond the need to be accepted, liked, or even understood.

And I have certainly moved beyond the need to be happy.

My aim is for the consolation prize: Scouring the world of everything that chipped and tore and wore away at my ability to feel more than the tiniest erratic flickers of joy.

My eventual success may not make me happy. But it may make me briefly smile.